Poet McGonagall as Judge Colston’s Rival

The following interesting communication, with accompanying verses, enclosed in a somewhat greasy envelope, was handed in to the office of the Leith Burghs Pilot one day last week:-

Corporation Model Lodging-House,
Leith, 2d October 1895.

Dear Sir,- I, Poet McGonagall, who am just now wishful to gain the patronage of the public of Leith, desire you to be so kind as to publish the enclosed poem, which was suggested to me by reading Judge Colston’s Ode on the Talla Water Scheme in Monday’s Scotsman. I think it is a much better composition than his, and you will do good to yourself and the Leith people, and likewise help me to sell my poems (which is only 2d each) if you will please print them in your valuable paper.- I remains your humble and obedient servant,

Poet McGonagall.

The Inauguration Of The Talla Water Scheme

A New Poem by W. McGonagall.

( All Rights Reserved.)

Rejoice all ye people of Edinburgh and Leith who are alive
In this year Eighteen Hundred and Niinety-Five!
Because of the Talla Water Scheme which the Trustees did inaugurate
On Saturday last, September the Twenty-Eight,
About which I now something to you relate.
For on that day a new supply was to be found out.
Which over the rugged stones and heath did rush and spout,
And so beautiful appeared the silvery stream
It made the Trustees murmur, and sob, and scream;
For delightful was the sweet water and heather-bell,
Also all the Trustees, and the Provost’s Lady was a great swell.
And the Engineer presented Mrs Provost with a silver spade
So that it might never from her memory fade.
Then the Provost’s Lady the first, sod she did cut.
Which she did most excellent well by the aid of her fut.
And after that upon her spade she did most graceful lean,
Which was a sight most beautiful to be seen.
While Bailie Archibald put the sod in a little barrow,
And wheeled it along a plank quite narrow.
Tumbling it over just like the fall of a sparrow.

All the while in brown-study Poet Colston sat,
But, jumping up, in mid-air he threw his big hat,
And with majestic mien and mighty force
Shouted out a lot of poetry, which made him hoarse,
Yes! Poet Colston into a wild poetic fire did blaze,
Which was very grand, and did every one amaze;
For though the poetry is not so good as mine,
Yet, for all that, it is very fine.

Then one and all partook of the water, so sparkling and so pure,
Because it is the gift of God both to rich and poor,
Which all should rejoice at, I am sure.
For it is far superior to whisky, beer, or rum,
And will be quite plentiful for many years to come.
Above everything water no one can afford to scorn,
And now Edinburgh and Leith has a supply for generations yet unborn.

After that the Trustees took their good things, which the Council always allows,
Which was better far than going into a public-house.
And they enjoyed the refreshments very well.
Even better than the beauties of that shady dell.

Surely all will agree with me when I do say
That long shall be remembered this great day;
For though it will be many years till it is paid,
It is bound in the long run to increase our trade.
And may it add fresh laurels to our name,
Which will be enrolled in the book of fame;
And may the Talla long flow with health and happiness to all,
Is the sincere wish of

Poet McGonagall.

Evening Telegraph, 8th October 1895